Last week was a better week. I was actually able to do some cleaning without thinking "what's the point?” And yesterday I whipped up some chicken schnitzel with veggies for my husband and me. I used to love to cook, but it's hard to do when anxiety is a guest in your home. I am almost afraid to say that things seem to be looking up because I know this sucker tends to come in waves. One day I’m good, the next day I’m hysterical. And the beat goes on.....
I think I'm a hypochondriac. I never was before I gave birth, I was very relaxed about my health. I started to worry when I caught a glimpse of my postpartum body when I got home from the hospital. I was hobbling around the house due to the pain of the episiotomy and could not believe the sight of my naked body in the mirror. I dare not even look in the southern region for fear that it was hanging on for dear life by a thread. I wondered if I would ever recover. It got better though after 6-8 weeks and that was that. Then at about two months pp, I started to get a mild sore throat. I immediately thought I was coming down with a cold and locked myself in a closet, crying and shaking and insisting my husband leave me alone. I was desperate, terrified and overwhelmed by an immense feeling of guilt. I thought I would get the baby sick, putting him in a dangerous situation, all my fault. When the sore throat did not evolve into a cold, I was relieved. Then my wild imagination wormed its way in and a million scary scenarios began to play out in my head. I feared for the worst. I thought, this is it, you're going to kick the bucket and who will love your baby as much as you do? And the fear took me down. I felt like every time I tried to get back up via positive thinking, the fear would give me one good jab and I would be back on the ground, utterly desperate.
I eventually decided to go to an ear, nose and throat specialist who after asking me many questions and looking down my throat with a scope, diagnosed me with acid reflux. This he said was the reason for the sore throat. And even with a specialist telling me what the cause was, I did not believe him. I began researching acid reflux all over the internet, surfing sites that no possible hypochondriac should ever surf. And the fear grew and grew. I began to notice all sorts of pain in my body. The roof of my mouth, my jaw (I do suffer from TMJ), my neck, my nose. Since yesterday it has been my eyes. They feel tired. I know, I know... tired eyes are probably due to a lack of sleep with a new baby. That would be rational. But what is reason to a hypochondriac? I'm practically allergic to it. So I am terrified that there is something wrong with me (non-mental, that is). Oh and i'm apparently a doctor now. I research, diagnose and treat myself daily. Armed with the medical knowledge from the school of Google.
The good news is that I know I have anxiety issues. I am working on it with D. I was also referred to a psychiatrist that specializes in women's health to discuss anxiety medication. I saw her last week and will continue to see her. She will let me know whether medication is appropriate.
Besides all that, I am really enjoying my little monkey. He is just amazing and I adore him. He is getting bigger, more interactive and he makes me laugh so much. I just hope to beat rid of the postpartum depression soon.
I think I'm a hypochondriac. I never was before I gave birth, I was very relaxed about my health. I started to worry when I caught a glimpse of my postpartum body when I got home from the hospital. I was hobbling around the house due to the pain of the episiotomy and could not believe the sight of my naked body in the mirror. I dare not even look in the southern region for fear that it was hanging on for dear life by a thread. I wondered if I would ever recover. It got better though after 6-8 weeks and that was that. Then at about two months pp, I started to get a mild sore throat. I immediately thought I was coming down with a cold and locked myself in a closet, crying and shaking and insisting my husband leave me alone. I was desperate, terrified and overwhelmed by an immense feeling of guilt. I thought I would get the baby sick, putting him in a dangerous situation, all my fault. When the sore throat did not evolve into a cold, I was relieved. Then my wild imagination wormed its way in and a million scary scenarios began to play out in my head. I feared for the worst. I thought, this is it, you're going to kick the bucket and who will love your baby as much as you do? And the fear took me down. I felt like every time I tried to get back up via positive thinking, the fear would give me one good jab and I would be back on the ground, utterly desperate.
I eventually decided to go to an ear, nose and throat specialist who after asking me many questions and looking down my throat with a scope, diagnosed me with acid reflux. This he said was the reason for the sore throat. And even with a specialist telling me what the cause was, I did not believe him. I began researching acid reflux all over the internet, surfing sites that no possible hypochondriac should ever surf. And the fear grew and grew. I began to notice all sorts of pain in my body. The roof of my mouth, my jaw (I do suffer from TMJ), my neck, my nose. Since yesterday it has been my eyes. They feel tired. I know, I know... tired eyes are probably due to a lack of sleep with a new baby. That would be rational. But what is reason to a hypochondriac? I'm practically allergic to it. So I am terrified that there is something wrong with me (non-mental, that is). Oh and i'm apparently a doctor now. I research, diagnose and treat myself daily. Armed with the medical knowledge from the school of Google.
The good news is that I know I have anxiety issues. I am working on it with D. I was also referred to a psychiatrist that specializes in women's health to discuss anxiety medication. I saw her last week and will continue to see her. She will let me know whether medication is appropriate.
Besides all that, I am really enjoying my little monkey. He is just amazing and I adore him. He is getting bigger, more interactive and he makes me laugh so much. I just hope to beat rid of the postpartum depression soon.
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